Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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