I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
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i wish semen tasted like chocolate
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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