The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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