If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
