i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
