Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
