Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
