I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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