I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"