I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on