You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
