Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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