Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
