I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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