All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
