everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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