12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
