There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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