All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
