Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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