I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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