I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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