Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
