apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
