So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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