The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
