I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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