I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
