I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
