Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
