Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
