: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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