Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
