Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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