I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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