That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
