I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
