kristin has been a bad kristin
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
