Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
