Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im holly from the hills drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
