cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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