So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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