I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
