I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
