god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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