yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
