I look better un-naked...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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