holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
