Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
