Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
