This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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