I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
