I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
