Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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my being single is dangerous.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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