Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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