Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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