I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
