That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
